Friday, May 3, 2019
Montecito Bay UFO: The Military Responds
By Bixyl Shuftan
hit by a strange craft that resembled a flying saucer. Although the area was under guard by the police, Federal authorities delayed in getting the "UFO" out of there until shortly after the Newser wrote about getting a closer look at the saucer and what looked like the body of it's occupant. With the craft and remains taken away, a mystery tower suddenly springing up in place of the destroyed building, and an official speaking on condition of anonymity about what was going on in late March, that seemed like the end of the story.
Aside from the supposed aliens themselves however, there was one party that hadn't spoken up yet: the military. This week, the Newser received the following letter
To Mr. Shuftan
Regarding your reporting not long ago on certain incidents in the town of Montecito Bay, your articles did not go well within certain circles. Fortunately for you, your publication has made repeated efforts to help veterans. Because of this and the "understanding" you have with the local police department, there will be no efforts at prosecution.
However, your recent reports suggesting that the community of Montecito Bay was the subject of several activities of extraterrestrial origin, notably the crash landing of a craft of stated extraterrestrial origin, have forced us to declassify certain documents concerning an experimental craft sooner than planned in order to avoid unnecessary alarm.
As your investigations revealed, we have made efforts decades ago to see if a craft in the design of the "flying saucer" seen in vintage science-fiction movies was feasible, and were disappointed by the results. Today with more advanced computer technology, the decision was made to try again with a new design similar to the old one, but with the addition of computers not dissimilar to those aboard the B-2 bomber to help keep it stable. It was also decided to have the initial flights unmanned, and a mannequin placed in the cockpit in place of a human. As crewmen will do things for amusement, the mannequin placed was deliberately made to look like a green alien from classic science-fiction movies.
We did not anticipate our X-craft loosing the signal of it's controllers as we had two back-up signalers. But somehow all three failed, and the result was the X-craft drifting into the town of Montecito Bay, and smashing into one of it's buildings. When the mannequin was removed from the craft, for some reason it was decided by local servicemen to temporarily place it in the wrecked car in front of the building. No one anticipated local police going on "lunch break" to let in reporters they were on friendly relations with.
We would appreciate patience in the future in regards to any of our recovery operations, and allow us to declassify reports and parts of them at our own pace rather than give away our secrets so that the enemies of this nation will exploit them sooner..
General M.I. Black
The Newser tried to call General Black at the return address, but there was no response.
So it seems there's now an official reason other than "swamp gas," and a plausible one. That is, if that's all that happened. This explanation says nothing about the strange symbols with a resemblance to crop circles that were appearing on the city streets or the "Groundhog Day" incident in which half a city block was demolished with the only clue being what looked like a flying saucer zooming away. And of course no explanation of the "alien tower" that now stands where the UFO crashed.
It's also interesting to note that this letter has arrived in a period of relative calm for Montecito Bay, meaning while weird things still happen, they've all been under the radar. How long this will continue, we'll see.
Note: The preceding was a fun article written for the purposes of entertainment.