Friday, January 22, 2016

Reader Submitted: "Bixyl Shuftan True Facts"


From DJ Tantari, with introduction by Bixyl Shuftan

When the Second Life Newser had it's Fifth Anniversary events, Tantari Kim was the DJ at the one in "The Vinyl." For those who haven't been at one of Tantari's events. she usually likes to narrate her music sets with trivia and factoids about the song currently playing or its subject matter. In the case of the Newser party, she decided on doing a "roast" with a list of lighthearted humorous flattering lines aimed at yours truly, which she called "Bixyl Shuftan True Facts." It got chuckles from the audience, and yours truly alike.

Recently, Tantari requested that her list be published. So here it is, Tantari's ribbing of Second Life's original "Fox reporter."

* * * * *
Bixyl Shuftan is the Chuck Norris of News.

TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan doesn't take a break from the News.  The News takes a break from Bixyl Shuftan.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan once interviewed a Magic 8 Ball... and got it to confess to a murder.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan can find Waldo on every page from three bookshelves away.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan doesn't need to cite sources.  All sources refer back to Bixyl Shuftan.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan knows how many jelly beans are in the jar.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan wakes up to CNN, CNBC, and Fox News, all playing simultaneously.
TRUE FACT: Walter Cronkite and Barbara Walters had a baby, and that was Bixyl Shuftan.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan doesn't know the meaning of the word secret, because to him, everything is obvious.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan knows you are reading this.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan enforces Freedom of the Press, with his fists.
TRUE FACT: Joseph Pulitzer once won the Bixyl Prize.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan posts to Wordpress with his left and right fists.
TRUE FACT: The New York Times asked Bixyl Shuftan to be their editor-in-chief.  He turned them down.
TRUE FACT: Dire Straits wrote the song "Dirty Laundry" about Bixyl Shuftan, until he forced them to change it.
TRUE FACT: An autographed picture of Bixyl Shuftan is all you need to access any press room in the United States.
TRUE FACT: On Bixyl Shuftan's birthday, News itself takes a holiday out of respect.
TRUE FACT: "What Does the Fox Say" was written about Bixyl Shuftan.
TRUE FACT: "Fox News" was named after Bixyl Shuftan, until he lost his patience with Rupert Murdock.
TRUE FACT: The phonograph record included on the Voyager probe was copy edited by Bixyl Shuftan.
TRUE FACT: "Don't half-a** two things.  Whole-a** one thing." -- Bixyl Shuftan
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan's name appeared on the Berlin Wall on November 8, 1989.  That's why it fell.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan doesn't need to research facts.  With one roundhouse-kick he can generate reliable sources for whatever he needs.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan was to star in a movie called "News Fox on a Plane" but the studio feared it would be too scary for the audience, so it went a different direction.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan only smiles when he finds a news story that he can't crack. Of course, Bixyl Shuftan never smiles.
TRUE FACT: The NSA only has two classification levels: Known by Bixyl Shuftan and Unknown.
TRUE FACT: As a young child, Bixyl Shuftan was bitten by a radioactive news reporter, giving him the proportional news-gathering abilies of a news reporter.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan interviewed Schroedinger's cat.
TRUE FACT: Investigative reporting doesn't break news stories.  Bixyl Shuftan breaks news stories.
TRUE FACT: If you manage to scoop Bixyl Shuftan, you become the new Bixyl Shuftan.
TRUE FACT: Dragnet's catchphrase "Just the facts, ma'am," is in homage to Bixyl Shuftan.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan doesn't need your sources.  He already knows.
TRUE FACT: Nuclear physicists were amazed to find that Bixyl Shuftan's facts are more reliable than reality itself.
TRUE FACT: If there is a discrepancy between Bixyl Shuftan and Reality, it is surely Reality that is at fault.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan was the original Deep Throat.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shufton never needs a disambiguation page.
TRUE FACT: Jon Stewart admires Bixyl Shufton.
TRUE FACT: The inverted pyramid points to Bixyl Shuftan.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan expects the Spanish Inquisition.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan's birthday party invitation included three breaking news stories.
TRUE FACT: Radia Perlman may be the mother of the Internet, but Bixyl Shufton is the mutha of the Internet.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan can literally smell news stories.
TRUE FACT: Santa Claus asks Bixyl Shuftan who's been naughty and who's been nice.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Force: getting a straight answer from an elected official by asking the first time.
TRUE FACT: The universe exists because Bixyl Shuftan needed something to report on.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan already solved the identity of D.B. Cooper.  He just enjoys watching us try.
TRUE FACT: There are no conspiracies.  There are only facts that Bixyl Shuftan doesn't want you to know.
TRUE FACT: When Bixyl Shuftan goes through airport security, the TSA answers his questions.
TRUE FACT: Only Bixyl Shuftan is allowed to wear the "I read the NSA's e-mail" t-shirt.
TRUE FACT: Bixyl Shuftan thanks you for coming tonight.

Tantari Kim

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